They're Called Adult Britches. Put Them On.

There is a blogging topic that has been nagging me lately. Summed up, it is:
Stay Married, For Crying Out Loud.

The Scientist and I are experiencing a rash of divorce in the lives of our friends (and I know some of them are reading this and yes, I AM talking about you). To be quite frank, most of the divorces are stupid. Yep- the S word. Stupid, stupid, stupid. There are certainly some very valid reasons for deciding to toss your marriage vows out the window. I probably don't need to list them. But, for clarification and for the edification of anyone reading who may not be clear, let me list a few of the not-so-good reasons for thinking about getting the Big D.

1) It's too hard. Really?! Well, no shiot, Sherlock. Labor hurts and marriage can get hard. This is not breaking news. Everyone thinks it's hard sometimes. Did you really go into this expecting a Lifetime movie? Well, go get some money back from whoever did your premarital counseling because you got ripped off. Get over it. You made a promise. Put your adult britches on and keep the promise.

2) This is a newsflash to some people, apparently, so I'll put it in boldface. Most married people do not have sex three times a day. Most married people with children do not have sex even every day. Sex is not a reason to get a divorce unless, of course, the issue is sex with someone not sharing the marital bed in question. These problems can be fixed. See a doctor, get some counseling, read a book and/or look into some lubricant. Sexual issues are not reason enough to leave a spouse. Fix the problem and move on. Know that these things wax and wane, but are fixable problems (you did notice my enormous restraint in not saying "come and go," right?).

3) We're not "in love" anymore. Seriously? Are people serious when they say this?! As a very, very wise woman said recently, love is a choice. Love is not something magical that hits you like a bolt of lightening if you're lucky. Love is an action verb. You can choose to make dinner. You can choose to pull yourself out of a slump for the sake of your children. You can choose to love the one you made your vows to. No one just gets lucky and marries someone perfect. You have to wake up every day and decide that (contrary to lots and lots and lots of evidence) the one you're married to is perfect. Choose it.

4) It will be better for the children if we separate. Unless there is some sort of abuse going on, this is a lie that someone tells themself to justify a selfish decision. No it won't. Making the choice that your children will grow up in a house lacking a unified parental team is serious business. It changes them. It irreparably alters their future and the future of their children. They can still grow up to be loving, useful adults and parents who are a blessing to those around them. But, they'll have to work so much harder to get the pieces back that they could have had in childhood.

As I said, there are several really good reasons to divorce. There are even times when it would be irresponsible and perhaps criminal not to leave. I'm not talking about any of these situations. I'm talking about run-of-the-mill divorce because someone can't keep the promises they made or just don't feel like it anymore or can't take the trouble to work hard for something that is worth it.

Divorce sucks and in the interest of full disclosure let me add that The Scientist is a re-tread. So is my father. I know why these men are no longer in their first marriages but it's past the point of mattering now. I am obviously glad both of them moved on to second wives. One divorce led to my existence. The other divorce led to the existence of my marriage and the birth of my children. So, I'm not completely against divorce when it is truly unavoidable. It just makes me sad when it can be avoided and isn't. And my heart hurts for those friends of ours who are divorcing because of decisions others have made and which they have no control over.

I'm sure I'm not paraphrasing this perfectly, but Billy Graham's wife was once asked if she and Billy had ever fallen out of love with each other. "Oh, yes!" she replied. "Just not at the same time."

Hang in there, folks. It's worth it.