Parenthood

Does anyone remember that movie? It is actually one of my all-time favorites and it has only gotten funnier the older I've gotten (read- the more kids I've had). As events happen in my everyday life, I imagine them being a perfect scene for that movie. Take, for example, our family outing on Monday.

**First of all, my apologies to anyone who is about to be offended. Someone reading this blog will be, I can almost guarantee it. Not that I have anyone in particular picked out, but I'm about to discuss "permanent badges" (these are tatoos, but Two Fish has called them permanent badges for several months now and I think it fits), martial arts and pass judgement on a variety of other life choices. If you are starting to feel a little sensitive, stop reading now.

This whole shebang actually started months ago. Two Fish takes Kung Fu at a popular "studio" in town. "Studio" is used loosely since it is in an old pizza place and always looks as though it is in some phase of construction. The owner and his wife don't seem to be the best time managers and evidently have a few business management skills yet to learn, but we have found that they do indeed know their kung fu and how to teach it to children. Every class is very serene and positive and extremely non- agressive. Lots of discipline. Sure, there is punching involved ("Everybody was kung-fu FiGHTING!") but only at pads and mats. There is sometimes a drill on self-defense which involves how to get out of a hold or something like that, but never any aggression toward another person. Nevertheless, I have been annoyed at times because of the late start times and casual attitude toward the business. But, dang can they teach some little kids and have them come out as better little people for it. Did I mention that it is twice as expensive as any other 1 hr./week kid activities in town? Did I mention that?

So, now they announce on Sunday that there will be no classes this week as they are moving about 15 miles north of here. Count on a 25 min. drive. Minimum. For a class that begins at the exact same time as One Fish's class ends on Tuesday/Thursdays. 5:30. Not a convenient time to have The Scientist helping to run carpool. What to do, what to do?

We decide to try the two other options available in our area. We live in East Jesus Nowhere and options are limited. But, good news! Turns out that there is a new martial arts studio within walking distance of our house. So, our family activity on Monday night was to check it out. Here are some of my observations:

1) If you and your spouse are the only ones in the crowd of approx. 25 adults with no visible tatoos, it is a bad sign. Now I've got nothing against a well-placed permanent badge. But seriously? Every person in there?

2) If a four year old is called a loser by the owner during his first class, it is a bad sign. (no, the four year old "loser" was not Two Fish. If it had been, I would have instantly become a martial arts master of some sort and kicked some big-time ass on the spot).

3) If three year old children are paired up to practice hand-to-hand combat/wrestling it is a bad sign.

4) If your child is paired up for the activity in #3 with the child of the man standing next to you it is a bad sign because "Lynda" is "permanent badged" on his neck but he is calling his partner Crystal (Kristal? Krystal?).

5) If the adults assisting in the class gather around the ring to watch this little mano-a-mano exercise and then cheer and scream with the enthusiasm of Michael Vick at a dog fight, it is not a good sign.

6) If one of the children in the class is the son of a babysitter we once had to fire immediately because she showed up at our house in only a full slip (like, she was in lingerie) and had a baby alligator buckled into the backseat right beside her baby in his carseat, it is a bad sign. East Jesus Nowhere, I tell you.

7) If the uniforms of the students in the class have pitbulls with bared teeth emblazoned on the back of them, it is a bad sign.

8) If the instructor never uttered a single sentence the whole hour that would have been considered diagrammable by my high school English teacher, it is a bad sign.

9) If there was a lawn chair in the corner because the owner's wife (partner?) has just come in from bikini sunbathing in the parkinglot, it could be a bad sign.

10) If there is a trophy announcing that the owner was the "Fighter of the Night" in the "Ultimate BEAT DOWN III" it is most definitely a bad sign.