A Letter to Tila (whoever she is)

Dear Tila (Tequila?)

We are not acquainted. At all. In fact, I cannot figure out who you are or why you have your own TV dating show. My husband says that you are famous because you have a lot of friends on MySpace or Facebook or something. That seems like sort of an unlikely reason to be famous, so I will just continue to be confused.

In any case, I was introduced to you this evening. I really had better things to watch and do this evening, but got blindsided by the train wreck that is your life and I couldn't tear myself away. I will try to be more conservative in my channel flipping in the future and will attempt to stay far, far away from anything that indicates brain rot in the title. But, no sense crying about it now. What's done is done and I'd like to move on. But I can't, Tila. I can't because there are a few things I need to say in order to get some closure.

First of all- Tequila? This is your choice for a last name? Girlfriend... I know that by your standards I am probably a blue hair. Old as the hills. But, some things don't change. And if you are looking for love, there is nothing about tequila that is going to help you find it. Tequila has been a heartbreaker for as long as it has been around. Trust me. I don't care what your name used to be. "Unahalekakah" is a better last name than "Tequila." Change it immediately (to just about anything) and I guarantee that your life will start to improve that very second. If you are still struggling and can honestly not think of a better last name than "Tequila" here is a good rule of life: in meeting strangers for the first time and in coming up with alternate last names for yourself, stay away from the three Bs. Bible, Booze and Boys.

Now that we're done with the absurd last name, let's get to what I found most troubling about our meeting last night. Tila, it seems that your dating show followed the script of most other dating shows. You stay in a house with a bajillion other people who are all groveling for you and you "date" them and eliminate them until you find the right one. In the finale, you're supposed to announce to the lucky winner that you will be spending your lives together. And then the two of you walk off into the sunset. There are many (oh so, so, so many) reasons that this scenario in general is a problem. But, you, Tila, had even bigger problems because you put a few twists into your show and it appears that the finale got twisted on you. The lucky winner rejected you. Turned you right down.

You were humiliated and horrified. Understandably. But, then you had to utter the words that made me sit up in bed and straighten my cotton pajamas. You asked /wailed, "Whyyyyyyy." Just like that. And I knew right then that we had to sever our 10 minute old relationship. Tila, if you honestly cannot figure out why you cannot find "true love" on a dating show where men and women alike compete for your affections and beat each other up, make asses of themselves and then snog you in front of each other, then we are always going to have communication issues. I know it's so tempting because Brett Michaels did it (are you old enough to even know who he is?). But, he had to make two attempts before he found his "Rock of Love" and he only had one gender to worry about. You gotta keep it simple, know what I mean?

So, last night was a one time thing. I will not be making any more visits. I know it seems to be a double standard because when Brett and his woman eventually break up and Rock of Love 3 airs, I will be tuned in. But, Brett has a tangible reason to be famous AND he takes me back to my callow youth, as unappealing as that may sound.

You just make me feel old and intolerant. Know what I mean?