And the winner is...

My brother-in-law, for coming up with the most amusing commentary on our nation's current financial crisis.

"I've never been so happy to have all our assets tied up in handbags and shoes."

Hee hee hee. My sister has good taste (in more ways than one).

Darned Expensive Kids

Two Fish has pulled a fast one. He has gone from size 4/5T, last year at this time, directly to a 6. This poses a problem since all the clothes I bought "ahead" aren't so much working. Darn! And it's still hot out, so I can't just go buy fall things. He still needs some shorts to get us through to the next season of the year, which is Christmas. Our seasons are: summer, Christmas, Mardi Gras and summer again. Darn, again!

Olivia Continues to Demonstrate Her Rockin'-ness

So, y'all know that the investigator in Two Fish's case isn't really named Olivia, right? I just call her that because her real title and last name are far too long to write out each time, and in my mind she's just like Olivia on Law and Order Special Victims Unit. All-business and ready to kick some bad guy arse. And young and trendy to boot.

Two Fish had his interview yesterday. He did great! After some last minute nerves, he warmed up to the interviewer and went in and talked his head off. "His interview was consistent with the report" which is what they were looking for. The very short version of the tons of new info I got yesterday is:

1) They have him for 5-10 years PER COUNT of voyeurism. They think they can get him on multiple counts. He'll take a plea bargain, most likely. Olivia's boss says that if he is offered 10 years, he should take it and feel quite lucky.

2) After the investigative part of the case is over, they'll determine if they can get him on child pornography too. If they think they can, they'll hand that over to the feds. And that will probably go to trial. Both investigators I talked to said that they think they've got him on child porn. Because he didn't just look. He took pictures too. The plus there is that then he'd get serious, hard core time. The minus is that it would go to trial (probably) and we may have to testify. Two Fish's name would definitely come out and his taped interview would probably be used. They wouldn't let me watch the interview yesterday in case they needed to call me as a witness in a federal trial.

3) They really don't think he downloaded or sent any pictures from his phone. They were strickly for his purposes (I know, try not to gag...). Two Fish can't really be identified in the picts, if you didn't know what you were looking for or what time the picts were taken. Mr. Big Man (Olivia's boss- we'll call him Mr. Big) says that in his experience, the guy has a classic pedophile personality. Meek, timid around adults. Not the sharpest tool in the shed from what I'm gathering. He preys on children because he is powerless in the adult world. Ewwww. I've got the shivers.

That's it in a nutshell.

Being the Soccer Mom

Finally, the season is here! I love soccer season. The chill in the air (although I'm going to have to imagine it today). The tired kids at the end of the day. The sportsmanship. The triumphs. The comraderie. The Nalgene water bottles filled with screwdrivers for the mommies. Kidding. Kind of.

I'm definitely bringing a chair this morning. It is the season opening and some genius decided that the best idea ever would be to have every single child enrolled in YMCA soccer on the field at the same time for a group practice. So, I'll be the one kicked back in the corner watching the maddness unfold in front of me, with an expression of quiet bemusement on my face.

May I Suggest?

I almost used this time/space to post the yummilicious recipe for bruschetta chicken that we enjoyed tonight and that the unsuspecting families of supper swap will enjoy in the next month. But, I am leaning toward suggesting something a little more inspiring than chicken. No matter how inspiring it's bubbly goodness was. It was still chicken, after all.

I love traditions. Especially quirky holiday traditions. And nothing makes me happier than to realize that I'm on to something so good that it might warrant a Tradition. The two older fishies and I just finished reading The Best Christmas Pageant Ever (where the heck is the underline button?)

I read the book years ago and thought it was hilarious. We saw the play last year in our community theater and this year One Fish has decided she wants to audition for the angel choir. So, we decided to read the book again before the audition date.

Wow, wow, wow. The children were riveted by it. Two Fish begged for more chapters each night. This is a book that begs to be read aloud and reads easily. As with many books originally intended for children, it is best read with lots of expression and voice changes for the characters.

I actually got choked up reading the last few pages of the book. Here is one excerp:
" When Imogene asked me what the pageant was about, I told her it was about Jesus, but that was just part of it. It was about a new baby, and his mother and father who were in a lot of trouble- no money, no place to go, no doctor, nobody they knew. And then, arriving from the East (like my uncle from New Jersey) some rich friends.
"But Imogene, I guess, didn't see it that way. Christmas just came over her all at once, like a case of chills and fever. And so she was crying, and walking into the furniture."

The children and I have decided that we will read it every Christmas season. Sort of like the family tradition I grew up with of reading the Christmas Carol (the Charles Dickens one) aloud every holiday season. This tradition has pretty much had a failure to launch in this household because of The Scientist's insistence that there are few things he won't do for me, but that at the top of the short list is: "Sit around like a dork reading Charles Dickens aloud to one another." Marriage is full of compromise and if this is the biggest concession I ever have to make, then I will have gotten off easy indeed.

But, I think that Barbara Robinson (author) is a little differen from Dickens. I'm already looking forward to starting the first of the seven chapters a week before Christmas and to sobbing through the last page or two on Christmas eve.

Quick Pervert Update

Two Fish hasn't had his "interview" yet. It's later this week. In the meantime, Olivia says that they have a warrant to search his computers. Plural? What young cashier has more than one computer? Freak. It will take awhile to do this, but they already have the computers in their posession. He couldn't do anything about it even if they hadn't seized them because he's still in the clink. The slammer. The caboose. His bond was set at a half million dollars. He's not going anywhere.

Apparently the good ol' boys around here don't cotton to perverts.

Being a Girl

Thanks for all the input on the guinea pig issue! Looks like a majority of you thought that I had either lost my mind for even considering getting One Fish a guinea pig, or think that they are fine but stink to high heaven. I sort of think I lost my mind momentarily too and am not into letting anything (else) that stinks into my house.

So, no pets for One Fish this birthday.

She had a terrible morning yesterday. She hit Two Fish (somewhat justified, I'm sure) but still...I have to have some standards around here. She moped around feeling sorry for herself and bemoaning the fact that "no one" loved her as she thought was evidenced by the fact that she faced some consequences for her heinous crime. She's such a giiiiiiirrrrrrl. But, then it was time for church and after a few outfits that were inappropriate (jeans and a long sleeve turtleneck?!), she emerged wearing a new outfit that was actually purchased for next spring season. I said not a word (somewhat to her surprise, I think).

I am a girl, after all, and I know very well how much difference it can make in one's day to wear a brand new sassy outfit. And sassy she was. Mood and attitude improved very quickly and soon she was hugging her brother again and singing my praises for being such a rockin' Sunday School teacher. And doing that girly walk with purse swinging that is only possible when you know that you look good and your shoes, bag, and hair accessories match. You know the one I'm talking about.

So, I think the year has arrived that I can get One Fish clothes for her birthday and actually have her excited about it. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think that some cutie outfits with accessories to match may be just the ticket to happiness for our oldest fishy.

And sooooooo much easier to care for than a guinea pig, I'm thinking...

I'm not your friend. I'm your mother.

That's usually the kind of mommy I am. Pleeeeeease don't ask me to play pretend. Or dress-up. Or color. I'll hook you up with the activities all day long, but I really do want to go about my day and get things done. Not play Barbies or army men. I rationalize this poor attitude by telling myself that the original mommies- the ones who hunted and gathered and later tended farms and stuff did not play Barbies or army men either. Nor did they play dress-up because they were too busy stitching together real clothes and doing other things like making sure everyone was still living at the end of the day. And civilization grew up just fine, didn't it? Even with generation after generation of mommies who didn't fingerpaint.

But, I needed to get outside today, so we went on an adventure. I love adventures!! I won't play pretend, but I can get all behind an adventure. We went to find a "famous" tree in our area (exciting already, no?). It did take some looking, but finally we (and the little girl next door) were successful. And how cool is this tree?

Of course the late hour provided us with beautiful light in the little clearing in the woods where the tree is located. I was actually a little disappointed that it didn't have more branches that they could climb up and use to scale the tree, but they were completely into climbing along the big extended branches. They stretched all the way to the ground! It was great! The light was great for photos too!

The pumpkin one is thrown in there just because. And to point out that the hair is cool, but with it comes the skin that even breaks out when the poor child eats an APPLE, for heaven's sake. Check out the lower lip and chin. Ewww...

PS-What the heck is up with the picture arrangement on this page? I can't figure out how to arrange it so that you get anything other than a spontaneous case of ADD looking at it. And the cutie, cute B&W picture of One and Red that is all caddywhompus (heck yes, that's a word!)? That one really ticks me off because it's my favorite and I can't get it turned around! Arrgghh!

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Presbyterian

I just got back from a Sunday School meeting which was held in my Sunday School room, coincidentally enough. In the Presbyterian Center. On the church grounds. With wine and cheese. Two bottles. Which we drank out of big, red, cheap plastic cups while we ate cheese, grapes, strawberries and white bread with lots of unhealthy sugars in it and no fiber at all. While we talked about which mission projects and family activities to do this semester.

Life is good.

E-mail me if you need directions to the next one.

"Olivia" Is My Dream Girl

** If you are a new reader, please read posts titled " Life would be much more delightful without perverts," "Insert Song from CHIPS here," and "Go, Olivia, Go." Then this one will make much more sense.

Olivia came through for us. She called tonight. Here's what she had for me:

1) AN ARREST HAS BEEN MADE!!! Praise God! I had given up hope and had found some peace with it. They needed a confession or another witness in order to seize his phone. I thought neither was likely.

2) The Pervert had "priors." In other words, he was "in the system."

3) The other potential witness was not able to "contribute to the case." I love the language.

4) It didn't really matter if they had another witness or not. The Pervert confessed. He confessed!

5) When Olivia told me that he confessed I actually laughed out loud and said, "What a MORON!" I immediately qualified my outburst by saying that I was soooo glad that he was a moron, but that I really couldn't believe it. She said, "Well, and I am trained to do this. I do this for a living..." Oh, yeah. Well, that too...

6) There are multiple "other victims who cannot be identified."

7) It is not known whether any pictures were downloaded anywhere from his cell phone. The techies picking his phone apart as we speak are trying to figure it out.

8) They need Two Fish (hereafter referred to as The Hero) on tape. If the charges stick (and our girl Liv is determined that they will), he could get 5 years for voyeurism. They need Two Fish in order to make them stick. I told her to just tell us when and where. We have an appointment. Two Fish will be delighted to finally get to tell his side of the story to someone important.

We will discuss my current and sudden anger and rage at The Pervert in a later post. Or not. At least it looks as though we are going to get some closure on this.

Brrrrr...

Who wouldn't love this little face? Two Fish announced this morning that it was "cold." In truth, it was actually about 75 degrees, but since our average temperature is about a bajillion degrees, I guess 75 does feel chilly to him. He demanded "winter" clothes. So, we pulled out the long shorts. He picked out his own clothes and decided he looked so good that his picture needed to be taken. I am never one to argue with a child who WANTS to be photographed! I am a sucker for a brown haired, brown eyed little boy with some freckles! Actually, I'm a sucker for the red headed ones too, as it turns out! Oh, I do love my little boyfriends...

Thanks to everyone who weighed in with suggestions for me on outfitting the fishies for the holidays. Judging from the captive audience style selection session I had with the fishies in front of the computer, the winner is Chez Ami. Kudos to the anonymous poster who came up with that one.

Just to add to Two Fish's adorableness (heck yes, that is a word!), he was picked up after school for a playdate and I will not see his handsome little face until 3:30. Then on to Kung Fu, then home for dinner and then to bed. Tired. Exhausted, is actually my guess. I firmly believe that an easy 7 PM bedtime is the mark of a good day. I know you agree.

Obsessed

That's what I am with finding Christmas outfits for the fishies. I am all about the "matchy-matchy" as they call it. Two Fish must have just a shirt to match his siblings. No matchy-matchy pants for him because they are usually patterned and elastic waisted. He says they look like a bathrobe. Go figure. It's just not worth the argument. One Fish is probably a little easier, but she will be 8 by then and is completely over smocking (can't say as I blame her, considering how much of it she's put up with over the years). I'd love to go a little casual so that they can (will) wear them other than just a few times to church and performances. For instance, how cute is this? But, there's no little boys option, let alone a baby boy option. I could even deal with this for the holidays. How cute and preppy! But, the options for the older kids aren't wonderful. The jumper is a little young for One Fish and I'd like to see anyone try to get Two Fish into those pants or, God forbid, the vest.

I need inspiration!

PS: I.Do.Not.Sew.

Good, good stuff

Red Fish is having some sleep issues. My guess is that they are somehow related to the fact that he is about to walk (we think?). For some reason, being about to reach a big ol' milestone like that messed up schedules and eating and all sorts of other stuff for the other two fishies. Brain capacity met, or something like that. Once they up and did the deed, everything sort of cleared up. Or so I'm hoping for Red Fish.

In the meantime, he is waking up at 5:15 every morning. I don't protest too terribly much because it was an uncomfortably short time ago that he was waking at 12, 2:30 AND 5:15. So, rock on with the solo 5:15 wake-up call, little man. But, the result of this is that he is ready for a nap at 7:30 AM (weird, right?) and another right after lunch. So, by 6:00 PM, he is really nothing but baggage. Heavy, inconsolable, baggage.

I just got him into the crib. He still nurses at night before bed. He was still a little warm from his warm bath and his longsleeved cotton onesie that had little sheep on it smelled like lavender. His hair was just starting to dry and was all curly and mussed on top and smelled like clean baby. He was so tired that he was heavy and limp and molded into my arms as soon as I started to rock him. In the dark, I could see his little eyelids fluttering. His little hand feels my arm while he nurses, but moves slower and slower as the minutes tick by. Every now and then his foot comes up toward my face and his rubbing hand touches it. Periodically, he leans his head back and stretches out completely and sighs and then melts right back into my arms again and resumes nursing. Sighs! How darling! When I know he is almost asleep, I stand up and moved him to the crib. He didn't even move after I put him down. Except for his little hand that still rubbed the sheet a little just as it had rubbed my arm.

That, ladies, is good, good, good stuff. Take you through a few more days, kind of stuff. Change the ickiest of the diapers that The Scientist gags at, kind of stuff. Totally worth it. Every bit worth it.

Please, Lord, help me to remember evenings like this when he has hair on his face and his feet and armpits stink to high heaven.

Please Help

One Fish wants a guinea pig for her birthday.

She's not begging. She's not pleading. Mostly because she knows it won't work and the chances of me allowing another animal with legs (read- another creature who can poop or pee in my house) into this house are slim to none. But, that really just makes me want to get her one all the more. She has been saying for years that she really wants a pet she can "pick up." Is this the time?

Or, is this just a knee jerk reaction because we're now missing Rosie's four little legs around here? Or, is 8 years old enough to take responsibility for cleaning and feeding a very small creature? Do they smell? Do I know anyone who would know? Am I crazy?

The Scientist will let just about anything that breathes and isn't human in this house. Sucker. And he doesn't know why I'm even asking his opinion on this (or yours, for that matter). He says I'll just end up doing what the heck I want anyway.

The problem is that I really don't think I know what I want in this instance. Vote in the poll and help me out.

"Menu" Night

I just told the two older fishies that I had a "menu" for tonight's meal. Column A is main dishes, Column B is veggies (choose two), Column C starches and Column D desserts. Basically, it is "eat up what is in the fridge, freezer and cupboard night" in the old fishtank, but what do they care?

The rub is that whoever does the best job getting their stuff picked up in the next hour gets to choose the meal for the family. They start with 100 points and at the end of the hour one point is deleted for each thing I find that is out of place or not picked up. Bonus points for anything considered above and beyond. Points deleted for any whining or crying.

I have just realized that the peace reigning in my house at the moment will be completely overshadowed by the screaming tantrum Two Fish will surely pitch if he works this hard for one hour, only to discover that his sister beat him. I may have to ammend the rules. Whoever wins gets to pick the three items of their choice and second place gets to pick the other two?

I've got to make sure that this works out for me because my house is H-E-A-V-E-N right now. Anyone getting Family Fun realizes that I have totally modified this from idea in the current magazine, but aren't the most sane mommies just the best idea theives?

Edited to add: I did indeed amend the rules. Predictably, Two Fish came in second, but he did work his little distractable, five year old tail off. So, I let him pick ONE menu item of his choice and let him pick it before his sister chose hers. This seemed to appease him, while still allowing her to bask in her glory. When I announced that "if they were good" tomorrow, we could do this again for tomorrow's meal, except do it for the playroom, Two Fish was ecstatic and said to his sister "Bring it ON!" Whatever works...

The B is BACK

I'm 100%, baby. I knew all I needed was an extreme amount of ginger ale and a good night sleep and I'd be back. My family doesn't quite know what to do and the dog is cowering outside. I think he can see the gleam in my eye that only ever leads to a bath for him. Both older fishies made a few noises this morning first thing about staying home again. The speed with which my feet hit the floor and the coffee was being brewed must have convinced them that it would all be to no avail. After seeing my initial flurry of activity in the kitchen (you should have seen what it looked like after over 24 hours of no mommy), they dressed and brushed without complaint.

My kitchen is sparkling and I am working on a tremendous activity for today. Not sure what it is yet, but I've got to come up with something good. It would be a crying shame to waste this kind of energy on laundry. I'm sure I'll sneak in a call to Olivia at some point.

Many thanks for the well-wishes. Watch out world- the B is back!

No News

I always say that if someone is going to be sick in our house, it better not be me. When it rains it pours. I started puking (thanks for the gift from preschool, Two Fish!) at midnight and One Fish joined me around 3AM.

The Scientist has taken the day off given that I have no fluids left in my body. He evidently doubts how well I'll be able to mother when I seem to be having a challenge sitting upright.

I have no news about The Pervert. If Olivia calls, you'll be the first to know.

Ohhh. How sad that this is my 100th post! Ick!

Go, Olivia, Go!

I just talked to "Olivia" (not her real name, but read the previous posts and you'll know who I mean). Here's what we know today:

1) She has agreed to take my calls whenever I call, even upon my disclosure that I may be calling twice a day. I gave her permission to only take my calls once/day if she has other important stuff to do (like catch bad guys). She can put me on a MWF schedule if need be. I won't be offended.

2) There was another employee in the bathroom at the time of the incident.

3) On the surface this seems creepy, but it could be a blessing. Based upon when the other person entered the restroom, it does not appear that he was in on anything. He could also be a witness.

4) We need prayers that he is a witness since "Olivia" needs either a witness or a confession in order to prove anything.

5) She knows exactly where to find "the bad guy" and the potential witness. They will be contacted today. I assume the potential witness will be contacted first.

6) This thing will be very hard to prove since it took place in a private restroom and the only report is from a five year old (she didn't say the five year old part, but I infered).

7) Without some other evidence (like another witness) they don't have enough right now to get the cell phone or any other hardware that may be involved.

8) She is actually happy with how well pieces are falling into place and hopes to call me to report an arrest today. She is evidently more optimistic than I am.

9) I think the guy has been fired and other stores have already been notified. Duh.

10) If he isn't arrested, I will be disclosing a first name and detailed description to anyone I know!


So, pray that this potential witness is actually that. As "Olivia" said, "I would hope that if I were in a restroom and saw someone climbing over a stall, I would notice." But, if he did notice, why didn't he say anything? I am hoping for a miracle, but not expecting one.

Insert song from CHIPS here

The report has been filed. The police were here for an hour and a half. One guy showed up and spent the first five minutes questioning me and why I didn't call this in yesterday (Hello?!? Have you ever tried to get a complete story from a five year old?). Finally, I got him to listen to me long enough to get my whole story out. Snap, the notebook closes. Swish, the magic folder opens. Slap, the official police report form lands on my dining room table. We had made a breakthrough.

An hour later, his sergeant has been called. We have a case number. A detective arrived at my house. She could have been from central casting for Law and Order. Tall, gorgeous, tight but tasteful clothing, sweet as pie and on her way to view security video at The Store a short 30 minutes after entering our home. When the police officer let her in, I heard him say to her, "Very nice family. Easy to work with." Ahhhh. It was good to hear that I was no longer the suspicious wacky mom.

There is no doubt in their minds that criminal activity took place. If nothing else, there is a voyeur on the loose! Who but a "weirdy" (as Two Fish would say) would peek over bathroom stalls at little kids? And with a cell phone in hand? I smell a pervert (and more importantly, so do the police.)

This saga is going to take me right over the top of the 100 post goal, I can tell.

PS- for anyone concerned with my lack of mention of Two Fish's mental health, I will simply say that the most upset he's been through this whole thing is when he realized that he wasn't going to get to tell the police his side of the story. Apparently, the only law enforcement who questions kids are investigators trained to talk to children. So they don't inadvertently put any ideas in their heads or anything.

Life would be much more delightful without perverts

So, this post should generate some comments.

Yesterday at a large chain store I don't want to name but that sells just about anything under the sun and which is the only place in town to get...well, anything, I was confronted with a struggle I am often confronted with. Do you let the five year old little boy go into the boy's restroom by himself, or do you make him go into the ladies with you? Yesterday, I succumbed to exhaustion and hubris and compromised. I let him go in, but lurked just outside the door. I did see one guy go in, but he was an employee. I thought nothing of it. Soon, Two Fish came out.

The story he relayed to me will be enough to ensure that you never let your fishies visit the male restroom alone until they are either old enough to drink legally or have a black belt in something dangerous-sounding. Whatever comes first.

Two Fish went into a stall to do his business. There are urinals in there, but I think he's more comfortable in a stall because it offers some privacy and looks much more like his comforts of home. He tells me that he was "going" and looked up to find a man hanging over the TOP of the stall, with his arm and cell-phone dangling down and pointed at his crotch! Two Fish has never made up anything kooky like this before. He also delivered this story immediately upon coming out of the restroom while he huddled against me and cast his eyes around as if to see if he could see the weirdo. He also tells me that he "knows" the man took a picture. Now really, there is no way he could know this for sure. I asked him if he saw a picture of himself on the phone or if he heard a click or saw a flash. He couldn't say for sure. But, he does take camera-phone pictures with The Scientists phone, so he might actually be better suited than, say, my grandmother, to determine if a picture was taken. But, he is five...

As he is telling me this story, the employee I saw go in appeared at the water fountain beside us. He cut into our conversation and began asking questions of Two Fish. Does he take martial arts (he was in his kung fu outfit) and a few other questions and comments I couldn't identify because, quite frankly, he was acting very strange and was hard to understand. When he walked away, I asked Two Fish if he was the man. He answered an emphatic, "No."

We went over to check out and 5 minutes later, as we were paying, a manager came through and asked our cashier where "[insert weird waterfountain man's name here]" was. Our cashier looked puzzled and said that he left to go to the restroom, but he hadn't seen him since and that maybe he decided to go on break instead. It registered dimly with me then that this was the same man who talked to us at the waterfountain and who I'd blown off because I thought he was weird and because he was interupting a very important conversation between my son and me. I had seen his nametag with that name, I was sure of it.

That night (last night) after dinner, One and Two Fish were talking amongst themselves. I was eavesdropping (sort of. I was washing dishes and could hear them). A minute later, One Fish summons me and announces that Two Fish has something he needs to tell me. He admits that weird waterfountain man was the one who looked at him in the stall and then ducked back down when he saw him glance up, but that he hadn't wanted to tell me because he was afraid I would go over right then to talk to the man (oh, how he does know his mama well...).

All the pieces start to fall into place. Two Fish has never waivered in his insistence that the man took a picture of him. He has demonstrated to me with props how the man leaned over the stall, where his hands were, how he was holding the phone, etc. He even said that it is fine with him if he doesn't go into the men's bathroom anymore by himself. Poor little guy even asked for some Purell after we got home because he said he hadn't even washed his hands when he was finished. He said he just looked to see if the bad man had a gun and then ran out. A gun?! But then I realized that in his little five year old mind, taking a picture of someone in the bathroom was so wrong that this might just be the kind of person who would also have a gun!

The Scientist has called the police. I'll let you know what happens.

Five to Go...

I have five posts to go before I hit 100! It really doesn't seem like I've had that much to say (and many may argue that I haven't).

My mom is gone. Which means that I actually have to parent and keep house again. Damn.

We took her to the airport this morning at 4:45. Absurd, I know. I have evidently been living right because so far none of the fishies has fallen to the ground in a feet kicking tantrum, managed to take a nap or stabbed a sibling in the eye. All possibilities after going to bed at 10 and waking up at 4:45. The nap thing sounds counterintuitive, but in another strange twist of child-rearing logic, if a child of mine takes a one hour nap to make up for missing 4 hours of sleep the night before, said child will not be able to fall asleep that night until 3 hours past their regular bedtime. It's got to be the new math- I know it's confusing.

Since I haven't had to referee too many arguments today, I have kicked some serious tail in the kitchen. Why do I not have a meat-eating husband to take advantage of my kitchen genius? We're having: Yummy Crockpot Chicken (recipe to follow- no idea what it's called but you need to do it PRONTO. Trust me...), fried okra (no, of course I didn't get it from a bag. Or Walmart), collard greens (yes, of course I know the fishes won't be touching them. But I will), lima beans (because they will touch those), watermelon, pumpkin pie (where else but here can you eat watermelon and pumpkin pie in the same meal? It seems sort of wrong, doesn't it?).

Here's the recipe for the chicken yumminess. You're just going to have to trust me here because it's going to sound too odd for words:

Into a crockpot, dump a can of jellied cranberry sauce (you know, the nasty kind that slides out of the can and still holds its shape?) into a crockpot. Sprinkle a packet of dry onion soup mix over that. Add poultry of your choice. I use chicken breasts or a turkey breast. Add some big ol' chunks of carrot if your family is into that sort of thing. We have a few who are and a few who aren't. Turn that puppy on and let her go. Stir it every now and then just to get the juices over the chicken. You'll think it looks too soupy. It isn't.

Lame

Since my mom is here, I've been very busy not cleaning, not caring for my own children, not making snacks for the children and not doing anything very productive in general. Except cooking for my children lest we starve. Mom eats like a freak. Mom, you know it's true. Wheat germ mixed with soymilk does not a lunch make. But, maybe that's just me.

I'm struggling with blog fodder. But, I am a sucker for these e-mail forwards:

1. What time did you get up this morning? Red Fish got up at 5:45. Jerk.

2. Diamonds or pearls? Seriously, let me be in a position at some point in my life to be THAT picky...

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Does an IMAX at the children's museum count?

4. What is your favorite TV show? Numbers

5. What do you usually have for breakfast? Leftovers

6. What food do you dislike? Strange and unidentifiable meat items

7. Favorite sandwich? Name it. I could live on them...

8. Favorite item of clothing? Flip flops. Almost any and almost all.

9. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Greece, for no apparent reason. It just sounds good. And, I identify with that bookish girl on Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Because I'm a dork like that.

10. Where would you retire to? A little slice of heaven called Clemson...

11. What was your most recent memorable birthday? My 30th rocked. Unfortunately, it was 5 birthdays ago...

12. Favorite sport to watch? Clemson football

13. Are you a morning person or a night person? Morning!

14. What is your shoe size? "In any good shoe I wear a 7, but an 8 feels so good, I usually buy a 9"

15. Pets? Sob...sob...gasp...sob...

16. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? The Scientist did indeed get the raise. Thanks for the good mojo on that, ladies!

17. What is your favorite candy? dark chocolate anything. The good stuff too...

18. What is your favorite flower? Whatever gets brought to my door in the vase or box

19. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? The day The Scientist returns

20. What are you listening to right now? Disney Channel Games. Unfortunately.

21. What was the last thing you ate? Get a load of this: A black bean, cheese, artichoke heart quesadilla on a ww tortilla.

22. Do you wish on stars? Uhhh... why wouldn't you?

23. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Navy blue for no other reason than that it is a great color

24. How is the weather right now? too hot for September, I'll tell you that

25. The first person you spoke to on the phone today? My sister

26. Favorite soft drink? Iced coffee or Diet Orange Soda.

27. Real hair color? Yes, always and forever.

28. What was your favorite toy as a child? I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world...

29. When was the last time you cried? Last night because I'm a big ol' sap

30. What is under your bed? A collapsed air mattress and my old violin

31. What did you do last night? Went to a Sunday School teachers meeting

32. What are you afraid of? Cockroaches and something happening to my children

33. Salty or sweet? salty

34. Favorite day of the week? Mondays

35. How many towns have you lived in? 7

36. Do you make friends easily? Yes

Am I Strong Enough?

Today begs only one question:


Am I strong enough to resist the temptation to watch the new 90210 on the CW tonight?

Probably not.

Certainly not.

Oh, the heck with it. Bust out the popcorn and the grunge wear. Kelly and Brenda are back.